"The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor!"
--Homer Simpson
Sometimes, the hardest part about writing is writer's block, that fear of a blank page.
But sometimes, when I'm overflowing with words and ideas, what stymies me is not the blank page, or the deadline (self-imposed) or anything external; it's me. It's my Inner Critic.
I've got one non-fiction project, and now three novels, all of which I am excited about writing at any given time, each according to my mood, and all four have been stopped dead in their tracks by that voice inside.
No one wants to read this.
You're stupid for typing that.
You're a terrible writer and you will never get anywhere.
You are not good enough to get published, so why bother?
People have different inner critics, for different reasons. Mine is definitely loudest when it comes to outward approval: getting published, people enjoying my work, etc. And yet, at a conscious level I know that people enjoy my work. I've had many people, friends and strangers, tell me so, over the years. My work is worth reading. So why am I so hard on myself? That's a long, long story, for another blog (or a group therapy session). But today, I've had Enough.
I've been having a lot of Japan feels, related to my travels back in December 2013 (can you feel homesick for a place you've only visited? I feel homesick for Kyoto. I want to live there. I am actively pursuing that down different avenues. In the meantime, sometimes just thinking about it makes me sad and longing). And I want to work on my travelogue, which I sort of think as a non-fiction novel, because I don't know what else to call a long, rambling story about my travels and gentle daily adventures. But my Inner Critic is getting in the way, hardcore, and I need to work on that.
It's distressing. I want to work on my writing, but it's facing an invisible bully each time I sit down and eventually fear stops me from sitting down at all. Today I finally looked up ways to work on that in myself, because the Of Course many many other people have the same problem and many of them wrote about it on the internet before I did.
Many were about coming up with reasons to counter the Inner Critic. One actually suggested naming it, as a way to separate yourself, distance yourself a bit. It's easier to counter someone with a name than just that tiny voice in the back of your mind, I suppose? They named theirs "Mavis" but I have decided to go with Blocklor, which is the name that Grace and used to give to the monster god of writing blocks, inspired by the above Simpson's quote. Because, really, how seriously can you take something named Blocklor?
I'm also coming up with responses to the most frequently whispered criticisms, so that I have responses next time Blocklor sneaks up on me. I might print them out, but for the moment they are on my phone, on the task manager for my travelogue. Because I do want to work on it, and finish it, and if I have to give an element of my personality a silly nickname to do it (out loud!) then I will do it.
